When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out – ENOUGH OF IT … ENOUGH! Enough fighting, enough cribbing, enough crying and, enough struggling to hold on … !
And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, … you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and … through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes. A new vision comes to you.
This is your awakening … !
You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that you are not her Prince Charming and she is not your Cinderella either … And that, in the real world, there aren’t ever fairy tale endings … ! There aren’t beginnings for that matter either … ! And that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with her and must finish where you are standing right now and, in the process, a sense of serenity is born out of acceptance of present situation.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are and there will, in fact, always be some who will despise who and what you are… and propagate stories about you that you know and they too know, are incorrect. But, what to do … ? That’s OK for them. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. You have to learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and, in the process, a sense of new found confidence is born out of self-approval.
You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you ( … or didn’t do for you!) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it’s not always about you … that you were born alone and that you will be put out alone!
So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process, a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more smart, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the woman in your arms or the child that bears your name.
You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would like them to be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes and, you stop being controlled by others also. You learn that just as people grow and change, so is it with love too; and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make you happy.
You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won’t settle for less … but you stop hankering for it. You allow only the hands of a beloved who cherishes you, to glorify you with her touch and in the process, you internalize the meaning of self-respect. Agreed, those selfish people will continue to make stories about you … continue trying to pull you towards themselves for their own means but, you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and, that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people too. On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers; it’s just life happening.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted; things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower … !
Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind, and you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
At last, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can. The age of acceptance dawns on you … Finally!
You forgive me for liking you too much,
And I’ll forgive you for not liking me enough.
You forgive me for the loud racing of my heart,
And I’ll forgive you for not hearing it.
You forgive me for playing your games,
And I’ll forgive you for toying with my emotions.
You forgive me for finding you so attractive,
And I’ll forgive you for not noticing.
You forgive me for raising you up so high,
And I’ll forgive you for bringing me down so low.
You forgive me for wanting to be with you,
And I’ll forgive you for avoiding me.
You forgive me for being so pathetic,
And I’ll forgive you for taking advantage of it.
You forgive me for not being able to let go,
And I’ll forgive you for never having latched on.
You forgive me for having hopes and dreams,
And I’ll forgive you for crushing them.
Forgiveness brings inner peace.
Do we have a deal then?
… You want me to reply
But, what will I?
Leaves me – perplexed!
Thousands of thoughts
That fleet past,
But some how,
None of them
Seem so strong
That, I must say,
– Come what may!
And what if I do?
– I know now you!
You are no closer
To me, than
You left me – when
With my pain,
My unanswered questions,
My un-tended soul.
I fear this –
It is your attitude,
And my belief
That, if I attempt
I might end up
… In Platitude!
I look out of window
The world is moving
At a pace, so indistinct!
The reason –
Unknown to my eyes.
I am carrying on
Like a zombie –
Without a push or a pull!
I haven’t the power
For much of anything
I dream of
Time spent earlier –
Of good nightmares,
To while away the time
This whole thing
Is moving to
I am busy with
My own neurotic bliss!